"You're not going to have a 4th... ARE YOU?!"

I figured since I have decided to start the blog back up and take it in a somewhat different direction, I would jump right into one of the most talked about topics in my life (by other people) at this point...

I'll set the stage for you so you can see why I worded it the way I did ..."Most talked about topics in MY LIFE at this point..." Just last Sunday morning after Mass, Chris and I went to breakfast with the girls. Its a popular breakfast spot, so we had to put our name on a waiting list and head outside to wait for our table to be ready. The girls were dressed up super cute in their Christmas dresses (that aren't actually that Christmas-y), we were actually on time for mass (for once!), and everyone was in a good mood, listening so well for the most part. Chris was holding the baby and we stood there talking and enjoying the warm sun on a somewhat cool morning, when the door opened and an older woman walked out almost directly towards us.

"Oh my GOODNESS. Look at THIS! THREE GIRLS!! They are all SO BEAUTIFUL!" And then... the famous line, although this is the first time I've heard it worded like this..."You aren't going to have a FOURTH.... ARE YOU?!" Her face twisted into such a disgusted look. Her words stung a little, but not because of what she said, but the fact that I literally get asked this question every. single. time. I leave the house. In my mind it has become such an annoying assumption that I have actually started to answer it honestly. There was a time when I would shy away from answering, almost embarrassed by what I wanted to say. I would usually start laughing and just say "Oh I don't know... we'll see!" But this time, I couldn't. I had just left church where I spent half the time wrestling my 15 month old while she rolled in my arms like an alligator and I spent the other half thanking God for her, her sisters, their daddy and all the good things in our life. We were having a really nice morning- it was even my middle daughter's 4th birthday. I answered politely, yet truthfully. "Actually yes, we probably will have more." I glanced over at Chris and he smiled. "Probably 2 more, God willing." The look of shock on her face made up for the inadvertent insult she had hurled at me. I'm not quite sure what possesses some people to vocalize such broad assumptions to complete strangers, but I can promise you I have never even thought to judge someone based on how many or how few children they have. That is between the couple having the children and God.

But wait. There's more.

As the woman walked away, another older couple approached us, and started a conversation that sounded nearly identical to the one we just had. Lots of "Oh the girls are so cute!" and "My goodness THREE GIRLS?!" Then, again, "You have your hands full! Are you going to have any more....???!"

Look, I'm not an idiot. I know the real reason for all the judgey comments and stares. Having three children is not cause for panic. Its the ages of my children that bothers people.

"How old are you girls?" They say their ages with excitement and in unison "Five!" "FOUR!!" "And the baby is ONE!!" And there again, a glance from this couple to Chris and I, as if to say "You're one of those couples. Dumber than doornails."

Yes. We are one of those couples. I found out I was pregnant the first time 3 months after Chris and I got married. That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at barely 5 weeks. Basically I was pregnant long enough to have a positive pregnancy and blood test, and to fall in love with a baby that I would never get to hold. Recovering from having a miscarriage physically wasn't very difficult- I was so early on, I didn't need to have a D&C. Recovering emotionally was one of the hardest times in my life. Any woman that has ever been pregnant knows it only takes a split second, a narrow moment in time, to fall madly in love. All it takes is two pink lines, a plus sign or a digital PREGNANT for that to be it. Its all over, and all you can think of is onesies and baby blankets and lavender lotion. Having it cut short is something so excrutiating, you feel like you're being ripped apart. I got pregnant a second time, with Maggie, 3 months after that. A viable pregnancy after miscarriage is equally joyful and terrifying, and to say that I was grateful was an understatement. I was scared, but so, so happy! But, thank God, 9 months later we were blessed with a darling little girl, and henceforth known only as Mommy and Daddy. 8 months after that, as I held a sweet, chubby, Maggie, who hadn't learned to walk yet and was still nursing, I held a pregnancy test in my hand that showed two very bold lines. The gravity of the situation escaped me, and instead pure joy flooded over me, as I threw my arms around Chris. We were both elated. 9 months after that, I held two beautiful baby girls in my arms, and unbeknownst to me, I began a new life with two girls 17 months apart, that would hold more of both happiness and frustration than I ever could have imagined. I was happy with my life, and I was beyond thankful for my two perfect pregnancies and healthy children.

Yet here I stand, watching those beautiful girls dance and twirl in their dresses, my 4 and 5 year old, Chris holding our precious 15 month old, and I feel so critically judged. Yes, we are one of those couples. So in love, so bonded, and after 11 years together, still so entwined in our college romance that we look at our children as living, breathing proof of how much we adore each other. We are one of those couples that were (and are) so drunk in love that we put the possibility of having more children in God's hands, which meant that 9 months later, we would have that second baby girl. Isn't that one of the ultimate goals of marriage? To be giddy, butterflies, cant-keep-our-hands-off-each-other in love? Why then, is it considered "bad judgment" to have children close in age? Why do people feel so confident that I must be either ignorant or stupid, because surely I would never have children so close together on purpose. Guess what, beautiful people? I'm going to share a little slice of reality with everyone that I think would probably change the world. IF YOU ARE NOT PREVENTING A PREGNANCY THEN YOU ARE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. Its biology, folks. Science. I actually have to remind myself of this when I'm drunk on love and other delicious beverages in glasses with stems. So, back to the point: Getting pregnant with Mollie was not an accident. It was a surprise. An accident would imply that we avoided getting pregnant, where as a surprise is we weren't necessarily expecting it. But God blesses us sometimes when we don't even know we need it. And that's exactly what having babies close together is about. A built in best friend and play mate. PLEASE don't spin this on me though- there are just as many happily married, goofy in love, obsessed with each other, couples that only have one baby, or have a few kids years apart! That's the point- its up to each couple and what works for them.

So, maybe don't assume that someone who has more than two kids is ignorant, or irresponsible, or stupid. There's a chance that even though they may "have their hands full" they are overflowing with sweet little moments that would make anyone's heart burst. There's also a chance that they did it on purpose. There's an even better chance they don't regret having their babies close in age. See, there's a little secret about having babies back to back. There's actually a few, but one of the best is that those babies grow into toddlers that have an incredible bond. They don't remember life before the other. They do everything together and are so alike, but so completely different. Definitely don't feel sorry for me. I see more love, more bonding and more days full of happiness and adventure than some people see in a lifetime. Don't misunderstand me, though. Having kids close in age isn't always a walk in the park. There are tantrums and fights, and big, big messes. But there are many more great days full of laughter and playing, than there are bad days. So to answer the world famous question, YES, at some point, if we are so blessed, we would be more than happy to add another sweet little bundle to our family. Let's get back to the time when we were could be happy for each other, no matter how many or few babies we had. What works for me, might not work for you, and there is nothing wrong with that.

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