My kids are crazy. No, seriously. But man, do I love them.

So, I have been thinking about posting a mushy gushy post about my kids, about how much I love them and how they are my whole wide world. How I was scared and excited when I found out I was pregnant with Maggie, ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant with Mollie and how I was over the moon when I found out we were having Adeline. I was going to talk about how sweet it is to feel a baby move in your belly, how fun it is to try on maternity clothes and have them fit, how I got a rush of adrenaline during each of my deliveries that made me feel like superwoman. How I know my epidural with Maggie didn't work worth a damn, because my epidurals with Mollie and Adeline were amazing. I would say there is just nothing like snuggling a freshly bathed baby in a soft cotton gown, warm and heavy on my chest. I could go on for days about how much I absolutely loved breastfeeding, and how much weight I lost while nursing I bonded with my babies. I always think about the first few days home when my babies smell like lavender and they fit just perfectly in the crook of my elbow. I could have talked about the way I look at Maggie sometimes and picture the little girl with the chubby cheeks and the red curls that were so tight she could have passed for little Orphan Annie. I considered writing about how I was almost embarrassed by how chunky Mollie was when she was born , and how the little hat we had embroidered with her name didn't even fit her, but my goodness did I kiss those cheeks. I think about how Adeline was and is the happiest baby I've ever seen and how she barely cried her first year of life.





But no. Not those things. Today is dedicated to the streak of crazy that all children have. You think your little angel is perfect? Just hang on, they are saving it up for you, to be released all at once when you least expect it. But really, the truth about the crazy in all kids? You have to have a sense of humor about it. You absolutely have to learn to laugh when your kids do something so totally senseless and psychotic that you think you'll explode. If you don't laugh, you'll cry. Its funny, really. It might not be funny at the time, but take enough deep breaths, or walk away, and then deal with it so you can discipline with a clear head. Because really, they are babies, tiny little humans, that are learning. SO when you catch your kids doing or saying any of the following or any variation thereof, you can teach them. Or laugh. And at the end of the day, after you've exhausted all of your patience, be gentle with yourself. You are raising people! And if that doesn't earn you a big glass of wine, then I don't know what will!

My children may or may not have done any of the following. And if they did, then that may or may not be why mommy drinks.

1. You may find your child in the bathroom halfway through pumping an industrial size bottle of hand sanitizer onto the floor.

2. Your kids might be successfully sleeping through the night for a year. Or two, or even three. But that doesn't mean they won't find a reason to bust open your bedroom door a 6:00 AM and make sure you are awake. Because, even though you made it clear they are only to wake mommy and daddy in the morning if its an emergency, they will somehow convince themselves that whatever it is, is definitely a true emergency. Like when Maggie woke me up to tell me she was tired. Join the club, kiddo.

3. Your children might have turned around in line at the UPS store, and while holding hands announced to the people behind them that "We are orphans from Miss Hattie's Home for Girls!"
(A line straight out of Despicable Me)

4. You may have to dedicate an entire year of their lives to teaching them that they are NOT ALLOWED TO JUMP ON THEIR BEDS, THE COUCH, THE DINING ROOM TABLE, or IN THE BATHTUB. (Yes, true story.)

5. Aww, newborn babies are so so sweet. Bathing newborn babies is so sweet and serene. Until they poop. EVERYWHERE. And you may or may not have to throw your clothes in the trash because they just aren't worth washing once they were covered in that.

6. Your adorable offspring will have no problem announcing to the old lady with the bleached bouffant that "her hair is craaaazy!" (I've heard of several children also announcing when they believe someone is fat, but mine haven't done this. Yet. I'm sure its coming.)

7. There is a chance if you own super expensive and super fabulous lotion, one of your kids will find it, and possibly put an incredibly thick layer of it over their entire body.

8. If you and your husband ever find yourselves in your bedroom alone... lock the door. Just trust me on this. LOCK THE DOOR.


9. They might make it a habit to have to go #2 every. single. time you sit down to eat anything. (This includes eating at restaurants.) Or, in Mollie's case, at 6 in the morning.



10. Speaking of eating.... No matter what it is, no matter when they ate last (they might even still have their own food in front of them), they will want your food. Case in point: I went on a field trip with Maggie last week. I was suppose to pack my lunch, but I forgot it at home (totally typical of me). So I scrounged up some change from the bottom of my purse and managed to get a bottle of water and a bag of Fritos. I sit down next to her and open my chips. She looks at me, eyes wide open and smiles, "Mommy! I LOVE FRITOS! Can you share with me???" And even though she had a ham sandwich, carrots, an apple, chocolate milk and a cookie in front of her, I shared my Fritos. Because that's motherhood, and that's just how it goes.

11. Your child may decide, at any point, that they are going to throw themselves into the most delusional, psychotic tantrum you've ever seen. And chances are excellent they'll do it in public. And they will go completely dead weight, like a 45 lb bag of sand. And there will be snot. And tears. And screams that would break glass. And it might be because you didn't let them ride the school bus ride made for a toddler in the middle of the mall.

12. If you have company over, your children will probably fall into the "give me attention now" panic mode. Its a lot like a tantrum only it doesn't end until the company leaves. Then, they will magically recover.

13. Your children will tell everyone your business. If you say it in front of them, consider it fair game. I'm afraid to ask Maggie's teacher what information has been divulged to her.

14. The point that you feel like you might be doing a good job as a parent, and that, well, you might actually survive this thing and give a few functioning members to society, your children will check you. And by check you, I mean they'll pee in the seat of the grocery basket in the middle of the store just to make you mad.

15. I actually had to say these exact words to my kids to prevent them proclaiming their child-fueled ungratefulness at Christmas time: "I DON'T CARE IF SOMEONE GIVES YOU A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER. YOU SAY 'THANK YOU', GIVE THEM A HUG, AND SIT DOWN." Because like so many kids do, my kids have opened their Christmas/birthday/random holiday presents and actually said "THAT'S IT??!" It's not their fault, I have to remind myself, they are little people. They are learning, so we have to teach them.

16. Your kids may go through a stage where they climb. on. everything. Couches, tables, fireplaces, chairs, window sills. No? Okay, maybe that's just Adeline.

17. Your kids might also go through a stage where they won't eat anything but goldfish crackers. No again? Okay, still just Adeline.




18. If you sit on the toilet, they will know. And they will find you. And they will need you for something. And no matter how much yell, and demand, you might even beg and plead, they will not back off until you come out and finally help them with the true emergency: helping them put Cinderella's dress on right.

19. There is an excellent chance that the second you button up that beautiful Christening gown, they will poop so much it will make it all the way to their shoulder blades.

20. You might have hidden a dessert for yourself and your hubby to share after the kids are asleep. That will be the night they get out of their beds and waltz right into the front room just as you're stuffing a massive chocolate cannoli into your mouth. And they will look at you as if you betrayed them on such a level that you will never be forgiven. And for the next week, they will find a reason to wake up at night to make sure you aren't eating something without them.

21. Prepare yourself. If you plan anything that sounds "like fun" (ie: going to get ice cream, a trip to the park or library, baking cookies, doing a really cute pinterest craft)it might possibly go horribly wrong. And it won't just be once. It might start to feel like every time you plan anything, it fails. I have one awful memory of when I took the girls to get ice cream and it was a total, complete disaster. Both dropped their ice cream cones on the table, there was stickiness everywhere and it was pouring down raining and freezing cold. I'm not discouraging fun activities, just don't be disappointed if it goes down the crapper with a quickness.

And sometimes, even though you feel like you've sufficiently prepared your children to be in public, around people, they will prove you wrong. And people might stare. And your face might turn red, and you might start to sweat. And you might take a step towards your precious baby, and they will take a step away. And they might even run. More people will stare. And when you finally catch the little stinker and throw them over your shoulder like a potato sack, and walk out of the place, remember one thing: Everyone has been there. I repeat, everyone has been there. And the people that haven't? Don't worry about them. Because those people haven't been in the other places you have either. Like in your glider rocking chair with a sick baby getting a breathing treatment and fighting a horrible cough for the third time this year. They haven't been with you when you held your arms out to that same baby who is taking her very first steps. They haven't gotten to see that same little stinker on Halloween, dressed as a butterfly, or Christmas Eve putting out cookies for Santa. Or when they come climb up into your lap just to cuddle. They didn't see how excited you were the first time they went on the potty. Or when they blew out their birthday candles. Maybe when you saw your oldest acting like a big sister, and she helped the baby up when she fell, and aww, she even kissed the baby's bo-bo. Because really, when your drinking your glass of pinot at the end of the day, its hard to remember all the bad, and babies look like little angels when they're sleeping. And those people might stare and they might judge you, but who cares? A stranger giving you a dirty look is worth it when you get so much. So just because that little one squealing and fighting you the entire time in the mall brought on stares from a group of judgey old ladies doesn't mean a thing. Because they got to hear the crying and whining, but you get to have them when they are beautiful, sweet, snuggling, little angels. Okay, that may be a stretch. And hey! It looks like this turned into a mushy gushy post after all! I guess that's what happens when your hands and your heart are full.


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